So glad to make this milestone. Not much time today for writing so here is the bottom line.
Saw the Dr. yesterday and he adjusted my new meds. I am looking forward to feeling like my self soon. He repeated several times that this is part of the process of recovery. I know that in my head, but in my heart ----not so much. I was taking anti-depressants for 10+ years before the surgery and was so thankful to have relief from what was obviously a chemical imbalance. As with so much of this process I am scared that it won't work on some level.
If you have ever struggled with weight or depression you will understand the fear of trying something and it doesn't work. It is a mental battle for the most part, and though I know this new "tool"(gastric bypass) has to work, I have many more experiences of failure. That is what is strong in my mind and what I have to overcome.
It is much like faith- In my head (and my heart) I know that God is in control. I have many experiences that have proved his faithfulness to take care of me and my loved ones. I have full confidence in His providence.......until my impatience kicks-in. Then the doubts begin to slip into the cracks of my imperfect being. Those doubts are not from God. The strengthening of my faith comes from a conscious choice. Pushing away those doubts and releasing my control. Sure! That's an easy one! ha-ha. The need for certain chemicals to balance out my emotions complicates the whole picture. I have no reason to deny my need for this kind of help.
It is not a "sign of weakness" that my faith is weak. I believe and I can live in faith - as the scripture says God's grace is made perfect in weakness. God uses "weak" people to accomplish His purpose. If I am weak, then He can use me! So I will accept the help of medicine in order for God to accomplish His purpose for my life.
How can He use me if I am too afraid to live my life??? My struggles become my strengths. If I try to claim the credit for "being strong" then He can't be shared. It is not me but Christ who lives in me.
It is a paradox of Christianity that true strength is found in weakness. Jesus himself embodied the world's idea of weakness, even to the point of submitting to an excruciating death. However, just as Christ's saving power worked through that "weakness," so God's power is often most visible in the midst of suffering, humility, and weakness.
http://www.gospel.com/topics/when+i+am+weak
'Nuff said???
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